Right now this moment, you're asking me if you triggered anything. Well, I guess you did or not. I don't know.

When I was ok with the thing, you kinda sound (i dont know. it's just bad) I felt it. It stabbed. I know I can't expect you not to feel anything, you're a guy. I'm so sorry. I'm just not ready for this again. It's new, and I can't get over myself.

I need more time, if you understand, you're great. If you don't, I can't say much. To you this might have been normal over the years, it's not to me eventhough it had been years. I can't explain and make you understand. My heart is aching while I type this and make you tell me what's on your mind on MSN.

Edit // I'm not trying to be selfish. I know I already am. I'm not ok. I feel bad. I know you're not ok with it. Why lah suggest? I wouldn't have the nerves to suggest, but you did. Now you feel stupid, don't you? Lol. I don't feel like sleeping. I know I couldn't sleep even if I roll around for hours. I know there somewhere in your brain, you're totally blaming me. It's a guy thing I think I know. Goddamn me.

If you're thinking of others and chances, I guess I won't blame you. Even if they are put into actions, I guess. I'm being to naive I know. I'm not being mulia also. I just know it's fucking hard for you. I don't want you to suffer. Just a last note, don't let me know ok?

Edit // I'm serious. I'm really sorry. I'll do anything to make it up. I'll let go of anything to make you feel right. I'll give up everything.

Edit // I know I'm a fuss. I think I'm the worst you had right? Such worries, such problems. I'm sorry! You try to not let me worry, but I tend to get worry for the slightest thing, well this not slight, but hell there's those. ………………

Edit // I'm sorry I lied about being ok. I just couldn't bring it up and discuss.

I'm afraid. Paranoid. Bevan's fault. I'm going to have nightmares.

Does 95% of the guys cheats and break heart? I know cheaters, but I don't know guys so well. I make stupid decisions in life.
I'm so commited. I need him here with me. I'm afraid plans will be interfered again. Especially his move to KL next year.
I'm actually afraid we'll not make it through. I'm such a fucking wuss.
I love him shitless
Positive ++++++++++++

Uh, no mood to blog. Bye.

Today's been weird. The day started off good then turned bad. After dance class, it gotten better, then it gotten worse.

I got home feeling a bit better, knowing there is things to do other than onlining. I got home and found out a friend of my is depressed to dead. I decided to call him for the first time, and talked. I think I made his night, I hope I did. He's one of the best guy I know, it's just dead wrong to see him emo. His problems were familiar, but I couldn't advise. I don't know the other, and I am the girl, not the guy.

After that, I found out my boyfriend might not be coming to KL because of college again. I'm not saying I'm not disappointed, that would be a lie. I'm very disappointed and piss with the college for this, but I want him to know it's ok. We'll have time together, soon. Life's really unfair sometimes, but it is LIFE. There is not much we can do against it. Problems come, problems go. That's how it works.

Problems come and make you sad, when problems go it makes your world great. I'm not very good with english, so I cannot really give you the best sentence. Ahak. (I need tuition)

I realised online friends are really great at times, especially when you can communicate like old pals. I have one right now. We're like old friends and I really trust her despite I've never meet her. I can say I feel the love for her. Lol. Real friends are hard. My boyfriend was saying how regretful he is now, for being too nice and it kinda make me feel like blogging about being nice.

I was always nice too. I mean if you need a favour I'll help. No matter what it is. If you wanna skip and needs me to cover up, I will. If you pick a fight and needs to settle, I will. If you need some help with something, I will. If I don't know how to, I'll look for it and learn. If you need a shoulder to cry to, I'll borrow you. If you call in the middle of the night to talk about something I don't agree with, I'll not put down the phone after shouting at you, I'll listen. If you're heart broken and need a listener to express, I'm here. If you found out you're pregnant, I'll not say a word. If you did soemthing real bad, I'll keep it with me till I die. I seriously will.

I found out not long ago, it was really stupid to be nice and let people step over your head. I think it was form1. I learnt from it, and tried not to let others hurt me, but I didn't succeed. I was hurt again in Form 2. Life as a teenager in high school is not easy. You get backstabbers, liars, and so on. Sometimes you feel used, abandoned, invisible. There is not a shit you can do to avoid this. We all learn that in life. I'm pretty sure most people would have said before that they've lost good friends and gained great friends in life.

I have friends. Great, best and good. I trust them with my heart not really, I trust some of them with my soul. I might lost them soon, but I'd like to love them for being there in the past. I have a girlfriend who loves me as much as I do for her, but I expresses it more, but by heart I know. That is great friend. You tell her something dark about you, she'll pretend she had never heard of it in her life before. You hug her, she'll push you and scream, but hugs you back a bit later.

Bestfriends are usually harder for me. They're almost all guys. I'm not bragging but it's true. I'm currently missing one. He's been missing in action lately. Bestfriends are usually the one most expected to pop up in your head when you feel like talking, cause they're always there with good ears and intentions. They baby you, advise you, belanja you. Lol.

Good friends, are always there when you don't need them, and almost there everytime you do. They'll call you when they have problems and need help, and listen when you call with yours. They'll hug you when they're happy and when you frown. They'll not listen to your advises, until the bad happens. They'll think of you as the prize friend, because you're you.

That is my friends.

Edit // I forgotten. I have Jie too. Jie means elder sister in mandarin. I have Jie too. I love her.

I've made up my to start blogging here, since I know not many people read. I can't really express my feeling in there. I'm afraid it'll hurt people. It had before.

My life went downhill after I broken up with Chuon Yee then Zul. I was frustrated and I wanted out. I just wanted to study and be that. My life in school and friends weren't helping. Studies weren't doing well, I remember screwing the trials and not attending. Friends were invisible after the arguement with Ing. Everything in my world was wrong. I felt like I was only real online. In the cyber world. I was only happy online, doing what I do. I felt abandoned in reality. I felt as if everybody was turning away from me.

Finally one day, Hong² IM-ed me and asked what was wrong. She was the first to care. To notice something was actually wrong in my life. She told me I wasn't abandon, she was there. She told me I wasn't invisible, that she noticed me. She told me people care, I didn't quite believe but I decided to change. I smiled at school, ignore the ignorance I was given. I felt better.

During this period, I had dancing to turn to. I felt I was dancing out all my feelings, I never wanted to stop. I had a competition then, I had my 100% concentration in it. This was another factor I pulled through and not resort to drugs or fags. I was tempted, my dance mate volunteered to show how was it to fag. Pathetic, but it's true. Janus was there, he reminded me the people who would kill me if I did, but they are also the people who was giving me the ignorance. I chose not to.

That period was the hardest I've been through all my life. I can really say so. I've never felt worse than those time. I've never considered to fag or pop a pill before that. Life was almost dead.

After sometime, I chatted with this friend of Hong². I added him from the email he had on his blog. I remembered then, that I had conversations with him before in cybers, which was before I had my connections back. He forgotten, but I didn't. I reminded him and we laughed about it. We chatted till the night then to the morn, then I went to school and came back at 2pm. He got up just to chat with me on time. I still remember. He asked for my number and we started msging each other.

I decided to start a relationship with him. I know what you people have in mind right now. How stupid can I be to be involve in an online relationship which most probably not work out or might turn into a foulplay. I knew it wasn't. I didn't know if it would work out or not, but I wanted to find out. He changed my thoughts about a lot of things, he impressed me like no guys have in my entire life. He was special to me.

Everything after being with him was different, and still is. I actually felt so good in school, I didn't give a damn about all those stuffs. I smiled my way here and there, laughed at things that wasn't so funny. I was different. I could tell. Things started going uphill after a while, I pulled myself together and decided it was time to settle everything left unsettle. I talked to Ing, and made sure she knew I was sorry. I told Mei Kuen and Hui Sze, I was fed up with their ways & we hugged after that. Pauline and her gang wasn't even bothering me too. I didn't find fault with them at all. I changed. I knew I did. I didn't change me, I changed my life.

We're still going strong after 2 months. Reaching the third too. I chose to commit in this relationship, I'm not gonna give up, not gonna let it end easily.

I'm not pretty sure what is the morale of this post, but hell I'm glad I typed it.

(Ok, I guess I'm trying to prove how much I've change in life, and how happy I am after all that)